RubADubDub
by Sabbie
Summary: Get a bath, you dirty males in Vandread *completed--a little bit rushed*
1. Default Chapter

Rub-A-Dub-Dub

**Disclaimer**: Vandread belongs to Gonzo  
**Timeline**: **after the first stage**, some days before the second stage started**  
** **Notes: **Dedicated for bath-haters everywhere around the world. The title came up from an Enid Blyton novel passage I read around six years ago. I forgot the novel's title. 

* * *

Chapter 1:The STENCH

"Doctor," but Parfet quickly stopped mid sentence. She smelt such a disgusting odor from the medics room. "Ugh! What is this smell??!!", she groaned. Duero came out. "Yes Parfet, I have troubles in this.." Suddenly Parfet inched away from him a little bit. "Doctor, don't you keep hygiene as the priority?" Duero blinked, confused.

***

Jura's Vandread, homecoming from battle

Silence. Hibiki was controlling the steer. Other Dreads fly inside Nirvana. Sniff Sniff. Jura face faulted. "P.U!! " she looked to Hibiki. His hair was a mess, his clothes were dirty. "Argh!", she mentally grumbled..

***

Canteen

The whole bunch of Nirvana crew are getting used to the boys now. Celtic Midori (a.k.a The Teddy Bear Girl) was not as disgusted as before, Barnette was calmer than before, Paiwei even has gotten closer to her counterpart, the doctor. Duero entered the canteen. The managing staff greeted him, "Good eve-" They stopped and started to cover their noses. "Gug Ebeding Doctor." Duero nodded. They sure are acting pretty strange today, he concluded to himself. He picked up his dinner package, curried rice with salad and fruits as the dessert. He was later on joined by Hibiki who picked up a large bowl of fried rice and salad. And for some reasons, the femmes are trying to get away from their table. "Oh Hi where's Dita?, said the doctor. "She's getting something called a bath or so.", Hibiki answered. He started shoveling his food to his mouth. Dr. Duero started eating too. Then, Dita came, all in fresh clothes and clean skin. "Uchuujin-san!", she screamed. She quickly sat in the table, in front of Hibiki. A moment later, she covered her nose and asked, "Uchuujin-san, when is the last time you took a bath?"

The boys just stared at her, cluelessly.

********

The bridge was not really bustling with Belvedere Coco, Celtic Midori, Ezra and Amarone Slainthev. Only B.C and Magno were there. "Why don't you go eat the dinner with all the others B.C?" Magno asked as she slurped her instant noodles (AN: Yum!). "The enemy could be attacking at any times. Especially in times like this.", the sub-commander reasoned. Magno mumbled ,"Why can't you just relax for a moment?" She slurped her noodles again.

*PYON*

The com screen appeared in front of them. It was Jura. "Nani?" Magno inquired. "Okashira! We can't stand it any more!", she started. Behind her more crews nodded in agreement. "It's about the men!" B.C looked up seriously. It could be as complicated as before. "Whatever your personal reasons, minna, you'll have to stand them. They are after all the crew too.", she interrupted. "Mou! Hear us out! It's nothing like before, it's THAT STENCH they have these days.", Barnette screamed.

"STENCH?", B.C twitched her eyebrows.

"WHEN is the last time they took a bath???!!!", Jura complained heartily. B.C paused. "Well, the first time they joined us", answered B.C. Jura counted thru her fingers. 

She face-faulted

"WHAT!!!??!!!IT'S LIKE one and a half years!!!!??!!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH????????!!!!!", cried the other females.

All the females started to jibber and jabber. They all have the very same word to describe it, "EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW"

"Okashira..", Meia talked, "I have a proposal to make."

"Oh?"

"Why don't we bath them. But not like the previous bathing, we have to bath them in the jacuzzi full-blown with shampoo and soaps and all. Perhaps maybe even give them manicure and pedicure."

Silence

Everyone nodded.

"Demo, we might get some objections from them", B.C pointed out.

"DO IT BY FORCE!!!! WE CAN'T STAND IT ANY MORE!!!!", shouted all other femmes.

Magno Vivan, the pirate leader sighed. This is really ridiculous. But she must admit to herself, even Bart now STINKS. She turned to B.C. "So?", she asked B.C. B.C looked at the girls rather disapprovingly, but some seconds later, B.C nodded. Magno inhaled and exhaled. "Well, you have my word girls", she agreed.

"YAY!!!"

2BCONT'D

Coming next:

"Parfet, I have an important question to ask you."

"Nani?"

"What exactly is a 'bath' "

Otanoshimini, ne? (subtitle:please wait for the next chapter)


	2. Bath..?

Rub-A-Dub-Dub

**Disclaimer**: Vandread belongs to Gonzo  
**Timeline**: **after the first stage**, some days before the second stage started**  
** **Notes: ** This chapter.. has no special story in it. Just go on and read.

* * *

Chapter 2: Bath..?

"Here.", said Meia as she threw three towels to the boys. Hibiki caught the (embarrassing) pink one, Bart the gray one and Duero got an orange . The boys was bombarded by shampoo bottles and soap later then. "Okay, the main bathroom is to the left, straight and its located at the end of the corridor. You can have a Jacuzzi bath, manicure, pedicure, cream bath, aromatherapy and all other stuff Jura really dig in. Enjoy your bath", Meia finally said again. And with that she left the boy's living quarters. 

"Oh, and uh, one more thing, tell us when you're finished."

Meia headed back to God-knows-where.

Silence

Confusion

Intense Staring

Blinking

Silence

"So, Duero-kun, what's a 'bath'?" 

****

Watching from the camera hidden in the men's living quarters, the whole crew who forced the boss to grant the boys a squeaky clean bath growled in disgust.

****

Back to the boys' room

"Hmm.. let's see.", said Duero as he tried to find out through the books from the colonization area which he dug out with the help from Parfet. Through those books, he has 'uncovered' the secrets of reproduction from male and female cells and forgotten cultures. "Bath.. bath.. aha! Bath!" After seeing the article he face-faulted. "De, nande?", Hibiki asked. Duero helplessly handed the book to the other boys. It was a map of a small town in England. "What a load of crap!!", Hibiki yelled, throwing the book to the floor angrily. "That city is like dead a thousand years ago and it's miles from here!!!" Bart picked up the shampoo and soap. He has the 'Chamomile Extract' soap and 'Vitamin-enriched' shampoo , "And what does it have to do with these things?" Duero sniffed one of it. "Whatever it is, it smells pleasant.", he commented. Hibiki turned the com device on

"OI! 'Baa-san!! What's the purpose of this things??!!"

"Listen boy, have you realized that your odor are starting to stink?"

Hibiki looked at Duero. 

Duero looked at Bart.

Bart looked back at Hibiki

Evey one of them shrugged.

Magno groaned. It's going to be a long way. Jura could not stand it anymore.

"Can't you notice that the crews been acting strangely towards you these days??!!!", barked Jura who blocked Magno.

"You guys ARE SOOOOOO DIGUSTING!!!!" pointed more females. 

*PYON*

The com link was closed.

"O--OI!!! WHAT DID WE DO????!!!!!!!", Hibiki crowed out loud. 

"Nandemonai yo?", he asked Duero helplessly. Duero shrugged. His calm face evolved into confusion. Bart was sulking in the corner, trying to recount whatever sins he did to the girls. 

Minutes later....

"Uchuujin-san!!"

"Hi doctor."

"Wanna take a bath together, ne,ne,ne?", Dita cried happily

"Who wants to do it with you!", Hibiki scoffed her roughly.

"Parfet, I have an important question to ask you."

"Nani?"

"What exactly is a 'bath' "

2BCONT'D

Coming next:

Duero was already stripping himself up. Slowly. Surely....

Otanoshimini! (sub:please wait for the next chapter [Full Monty--NOT!])


	3. Full Monty--NOT

Rub-A-Dub-Dub

**Disclaimer**: Vandread belongs to Gonzo  
**Timeline**: **after the first stage**, a day before the second stage started**  
** **Notes: ** mild lemon/ecchi--sorry for the last posting, since my telephone line broke down!

* * *

Chapter 3:Full Monty--NOT!

It was shiny and beautiful. The bathroom walls were covered with ceramics. It was regularly cleaned, so, obviously it doesn't look shabby or even dirty. There was three rooms. There were the conventional tub baths, Jacuzzi pools, massaging room and even a beauty spa.

Parfet and Dita (who obviously led the boys to the bathroom) left the boys, staring at the rooms.

"So, we'll leave you boys here." ,Parfet said. "We're going to the cream bath room together." Dita nodded happily.

The boys were still staring at her clueless.

"What do we do now?", Bart asked. He was carrying the soaps and shampoos while other boys held their towels.

Dita and Parfet practically fell down to the floors.

"Oh boy--", Parfet groaned mentally. 

Parfet scratched her head. She frowned. "Err.. I don't know how to explain this but.."

"You got to strip!!!", Dita interrupted cheerfully.

A moment of silence

"S--STRIP!!!???! LIKE-HELL , ONNA!!!!Over my dead body first!!! Hmppph!", Hibiki reacted. He even put a protective pose.

"STRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP????!!!!!!!", Bart screamed fearfully.

"Strip.", was the only reaction from Duero "I wonder for what reasons."

Parfet groaned, "Oh God, they really don't know do they?"

"Surely there's a logical reason behind all this.", Duero reasoned.

"Doctor-san is such an idiot! How can one clean the glasses if it's still stored in its box!", said Dita.

Duero frowned

"What's that s'pposed t'mean--UFO Onna??"-Hibiki retorted 

"Glasses and us?", said Bart, confused.

"Never mind that", Parfet stepped in, "Bath is an act of cleaning bodies."

Duero raised his eyebrow. His brain produced one usual word he always said--interesting

"Parfet, maybe Dita and you have to bathe them like babies!", Dita suggested "Uchuujin-san, let me bath you!"

"-Eh-N-O NONONONONONo!!!",said Hibiki, blushing furiously.

"Aaaaaaaaaaackkkkk!!??---DUERO KUN??!!!", Bart hysterically squealed.

Duero was already stripping himself up. Slowly. Surely. (Author+ other Duero fans: Ahh....Duero...) He's got quite a build . His chest are looking tough, his hands are muscular in a very natural way that looks admirable. Not like some muscly boys in wrestling shows or any body-builders. Just natural. His dark skin accentuate his looks a lot. He's--gorgeous. 

Parfet blushed very red.

"Doctor, you look.. beautiful.", she praised him. For that, Parfet was awarded by a shy grin from the doctor.

***

***

***

"WHY DA HECK DIDJA JUST STRIP??!!!", Hibiki yelled

"I'm curious. So, let's get through this 'bath' ritual that onnas do." 

"I AINT' STRIPPIN FOR ANY LADIES!!!"

Dita playfully frowned, "Then Dita won't cook for uchuujin-san anymore."

PI!

Dita cornered Hibiki at the right weak spot. As she said that, he started to undo the button in his clothing. Furiously. Carelessly. He was even trapping his left hand inside his cloth. Dita comes quickly to his aid, lifting up the entanglement of the clothing. After all of the outer clothing removed , it revealed such a skinny, flat body. Extremely barren, not a good side to see, either bad. Parfet looked back and for that Duero's heavenly body and Hibiki's earthly one. Dita began observing too. 

Duero pulled his brief off

"So it's true that males have 'tubes under their crotches!' ", Dita uttered spontaneously. "Does Uchuujin-san have that too?" "OFF COURSE!!! What do you think I am a robot?!!",Hibiki barked.

Parfet however, felt very uneasy. Shyness, curiosity and weirdly enough desire was whipped up in her insides. She was blushing for unknown reasons. However, she now prefer to make the doctor close his .... she doesn't want to stare at it too long. It somehow had an.. entrancing effect. "Uh.. wear your brief on again, Doctor. I kinda feel uneasy seeing that. Hibiki, Bart,you can wear that too." Hibiki sighed in super-relief. Then, Parfet and Dita led them into one of the bathroom's many rooms.

"You put those towels there (at the hanger)"

The three of them did that at the same time

"Sit on those floors."

They sat

"Let Dita and Parfet do the thing!!", Dita commanded.

More note: I've rethink of putting a glossary down below

onna: woman/girl

Preview of the next chapter:


	4. Of Soaps and Ladies

Rub-A-Dub-Dub

**Disclaimer**: Vandread belongs to Gonzo. Dove and OMO belongs to whomever owns it  
**Timeline**: **after the first stage**, a day before the second stage started**  
** **Notes: ** if this interests you--**omo is** a **real** brand name for plates and china soap in my country. Thank you guys for the reviews, bishonenlovah (please write more fic on Vandread), dementedchris (Our Kenshin's writer *0* oroo...), ZsaZsa, Haer'Dalis, LunarChild, anonymous and Dansama (Paiway's picture show was..^_^°), plus White Shadow (I luv ur story)^_^--keep reviewing! And to Bart fans..I don't really know how he particularly called the females except B.C, ['fukuchou-san!']-miss sub-commander, so I invented some stuff. If that offends you--sorry. Some movies I've seen when I was not writing this; Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre--very funny, good for humor inspiration, not a single minute of tear-shedding moment. Lilo and Stich--who would've thought the Disney animators adore 'uchuujin-tachi' (Aliens). It's really a good movie. Last but not least, Sen To Chihiro No Kamikakushi ('Spirited Away')--Miyazaki-san did a hopping lamp in this movie(-_-').It's cool. ^0^Haku-sama--is such a bishonen This anime is coming to the US in September. And--Minority Report--RULEZZZ!!!!!sorry for more late posting.

* * *

Chapter 4:Dove:softening your skins

Picking up the soaps that Meia gave them, Dita grimaced. She read each soap's labels. 'Dove: Softening Your Skin'. Must be Jura's. 'Chamomile Extract'. Barnette's favorite. The other one however, was weird. It was blue and it does not have a fancy shape. 'OMO'. What the?, thought Dita. She read the extra writings. 'Great for cleaning plates and china' Dita sweat-dropped. Leader couldn't be wearing THIS soap. She posed a silly grin.

"What is it Dita?", asked Duero.

"Ah! Nothing at all! You just can't bathe with this china and plates soap formula!"

"Why not?"

"WHY NOT?", Parfet screeched, "Doctor, every kind of soap in Mejeiru are made chemically and of course the chemicals for human skin and plates are different! It's not suitable for your skin"

"Then what do you recommend"

Dita waved the other two soaps. 

Duero examined the other two. He then picked the Dovey one. 

'Softening my skins, huh?'

Hibiki and Bart sighed, exasperated. There was no way out for them. It's not like they hate the females but this bath business just isn't right. But their adventurous part of the brain kept on nagging them to try it. 

"Uchuujin-san, what will it be for you?"

"--whatever--", he said, giving up to the zeal his UFO-girl had.

Dita picked up her own soap for him, a liquidized one, with Dita's favorite extract, moonstone (get it--?) and rose. She stored it in her locker room and picked it up before that. In the end, Bart's stuff is sure to be Chamomile soap.

The girls picked up other towel, similar like the boys have only smaller.

"I say Engineer-san why don't you too strip-?", asked Bart too bluntly

"He's right!", Duero added.

Hibiki looked at the girls in horror.

Parfet sweatdropped. Dita stared at the boys blankly

They begin to blush.

Red.

MAJOR SILENCE

.......

......

......

.......

.........

(get back to work you lousy no good two-timing fic writer!!!)

"--uhh. Erhem..for what, doctor?"-Parfet inquired.

"Aren't you taking this cream bath thingie?"

"Cream bath is not really a bath--its a special hair treatment. Besides, we already had our baths 30 minutes ago.", explained Parfet.

"OH."--INQUIRED ALL MALES. Hibiki sighed in relief.

But in his mind he's actually curious too.

"And I was hoping to study your body structure.", reasoned Duero.

Parfet sweat dropped.

"Eh- ", was the only comment she gave. Dita turned her head to her left shoulder. "A.", she commented. She gave a lopsided grin. She doesn't mind doing that but on a condition that only she and Hibiki alone. Somehow with other males it was --uneasy.

................

"Achhoooooo!!", Hibiki sneezed. Dita and Parfet turned their attentions back to the bathing business. "Uchuujin-san, gomen, I'll get you cleaned up this instant.", said Dita. She lead Hibiki to the nearest tub and started scrubbing his skin. Parfet took out Duero's right hand and did the same. 

Bart looked around him. 

There are no other females besides the two.

Which means.

. . .

Parfet was scrubbing Duro's skin with care. She opened her orange part of clothing and hung it somewhere. She only wore her jeans and her tank-top. Once in a while some of the soap bubbles flew by Duero's nose and he sneezed. Parfet giggled at the sight. Duero gave her a clueless expression which makes her giggle even more. As she scrubbed Duero's back, his face somehow was calmed and reflected that he was happy with it. 

Dita was happily scrubbing Hibiki's skin. Dita also hung her jacket somewhere. Though he looked as if he was annoyed, Hibiki's eyes reflected contentment. He wanted time to stop and this moment to last forever.

Bart growled. "WHY ME??!!!"

'I couldn't possibly ask fukuchou-san about this...'

He wanted a scrub like that. He does. 

"Ah! Engineer-san", he called Parfet as she finished Duero's back.

Parfet looked to him. 

"Can you scrub my back?"

"I can do it now, Bart, she pretty much taught me well.", said Duero. Bart sighed, oh fukuchou-san.

"Matte doctor, I haven't scrubbed your chest! And I haven't even shampoo-ed you yet!", protested Parfet.

"Ah. Sou desu ka?", (is that so?) Duero said, eyebrows twitching.

"Sou yo!" (Yeah!), answered Parfet.

"Okay."

Duero turned around and cancelled his help to Bart.

"Ah Navigator-san, you pour water into the soap and put some of the soap liquid in your smaller towel and scrub it on your back." Dita inquired. She was scrubbing Hibiki's hair now.

Bart started doing that.

He looked around.

The couples are happy and content

He was very much alone

"WHY MEEEEEE???"

epilogue coming up!

Otanoshimi ,ne? (please wait up for the epilogue)


	5. epilogue

**Rub-a Dub-Dub:Epilogue**

Disclaimer: Vandread belongs to Gonzo. Dove and OMO belongs to whomever owns it  
Timeline: after the first stage, a day before the second stage started  
Notes: if this interests you--omo is a real brand name for plates and china soap in my country. Thank you guys for the reviews, bishonenlovah (please write more fic on Vandread), dementedchris, demon heiress, passerby, Starian Princess, miky G, Death Hunter

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"So", started Jura. "All of them are shiny and squeaky clean now?"

The dread pilots were having a meeting at lunch in the cafetaria. Dita frowned slightly.

"Nani?", asked Meia.

"Dita is afraid, leader, we are doing some re-stocking in this planet and uchuujin-san, doctor-san and navigator-san went out together with fukuchou-san, and Parfet, ...and..", she didn't continue speaking. Instead she pointed out to a monitor revealing the planet's insights.

It was a beautiful planet, green and luscious, plants swamping over the place. It was similiar to somewhat of a rain forest planet in which most of the crew had never seen before. Meia looked at it with amazement. The planet's very highly tecnological and organic too. Most of their working machines are based on the use of symbiotic attatchment on the ecosystem, resulting a non-polluted ground suitable for man and nature. 

"It looks fine to me.", she commented 

"Me too.", inquired Jura.

"Demo, Dita had a bad feeling... that they might attck us or something..."

"Might be your own paranoia. C'mon that planet is completely harmless, I mean they accepted us pretty much.", Barnette added, "Not that I really care though" She did care however for one thing, THEIR STENCH.

Dita nodded meekly. It maybe is one of her paranoia after all. Everyone doesn't feel something was up anyway and the planet's citizen has been considerably very friendly compared to those Muunyas. 

****

Moments later...

"Hai, "said BC to the planet's leader. "Thank you very much for the food supplies sir" With the vice-captain's bow to the tribe, everybody went aboard the pod prepared to went back to the ship, Nirvana. Not long after that the pod entered Nirvana back. 

Dita ran to greet all of them --especially her uchuujin-san. She stretched out her arms wide to glomp him, "Uchuu-jin saaa-------------------------------------!!"

What greeted her visions were a total revolt.

Hibiki was totally drenched in a gooey brownish substance that stink like hell. And so were the doctor. And the navigator. And Parfet. And the vice captain.

"NAAANIIIIIII???", she screeched out loud.

"We all fell into a booby trap before we went back to the pod--carelessly", explained BC as the vice captain gave Hibiki a death glare. 

"Sorry guys, the effort was wasted...", mutterred Parfet to the pop-up screen that was greeting them from the crew.

".....", was all the crew could say.

The End

Lame ending isn't it?


End file.
